no shame / positive thinking / monday you are almost here
if— WAIT NO— WHEN my tests prove I am HIV free & that I just need my tonsils out or have mono or something, I am going to celebrate w/ a few drinks & weed & sex with Tim.
I think I’m going to resurrect my tumblr.
(i guess) we’ll see.
I feel pretty stupid again. _ doesn’t text me much anymore, and every time I suggest we hang out (which actually… has only been like twice in the past month) he always mentions his friend. which to me, says that he’s afraid of hanging out alone, or that he just doesn’t want to. basically, he’s not interested and I slept with b again. it was better this time but I could never date him. which I hate. I want to date someone that I can also sleep with that has similar interests, doesn’t cut me off, makes me laugh, and actually wants to be with me. which is why I’m so confused. b’s got the moves, _’s got the personality, intelligence, and he’s super cute too. lose lose though, because neither of them are interested in actually being with me. so I bored two more guys to death, cool.
I feel like I’m destined to be alone and it scares me more than anything. And it sucks! Going from texting almost every day having pretty awesome conversations for the past two months to a few texts here or there and now he’s just started not answering me? love it. It only sucks because I actually like him. Zach never exactly warned me about his friend, but this is just another reason I decided to sleep with b again—I can’t get hurt if I don’t invest my feelings in someone. but really, my head and my heart are fighting and reaching into the air for two different guys that are both out of reach.
OH YEAH, DID I MENTION THAT MY FRIEND ZACH ASKED ME TO BE A READER FOR GHOST PROPOSAL? ie, on the editorial board for his lit mag!
dreams do come true.
_ and i are making mixes for each other. YES! I LOVE TRADING MUSIC!
I have pharyngotonsillitis and I’m like, cool. now I get to relax, listen to music, eat icepops, read Ghost Proposal submissions and poetry, and buy shit online.
i slept with b friday night and left shortly after. then i sat in a gas station parking lot and listened to aunt martha for an hour because i was trying to figure out how to respond to _’s text, and i realized (or, confirmed) i definitely have feelings for _
i already knew this, but i wanted to be sure— which is why i went out with b.
he bit my lip so much when we were making out, i have this hideous blueblack bruise on my lip. now it looks more raspberry-plum. my co-workers won’t let me live it down. but it was worth it. i feel like the guy, look! no emotional attachment. [to b]
whatever happens or doesn’t happen with _, it doesn’t matter because i broke my pattern.
